Silent emotions

I asked her why she never talks to me when I ask her questions about her feelings, why she never tells me how she feels. She told me because she hated my responses.

I don't understand how one can keep hiding their feelings from their significant other. For me, it's practically no co-operation in trying to solve an issue between the two. But sometimes, that no co-operation comes from fear, hate or a bad experience from when she actually co-operated.

I understand I need to be more careful with how I express myself during an argument, yes. I am not perfect, never was never will be. But, something is bad. The non-sharing mentality is harming both of us.

I feel like she has lost her emotional trust in me. Like she's afraid of doing any mistakes. The problem in being afraid of doing any of these mistakes that; it hurts both of us. I believe, not sharing one's emotions is one of the worse issues of lack of trust.

Or maybe general trust isn't the issue. Maybe it's loss of emotional trust towards me, since there might be a fear of me doing an action that she wouldn't like. Yeah, we all get angry, but it's not like I'm not going to love her less / stop loving her.

Or it could be just lack of interest, lack of care about me as a person. I wouldn't like to think about this as a possibility, but due to the fact there is no answer given all I have left is to speculate and try to come up with reasons of why she's failing to share her opinion and emotions. Maybe it's because I'm not seen as a man for her if I hear her feelings and not try to guess them. Maybe she thinks she has no right to say her opinion in the relationship.

She hates when I try to guess but we'd be no-where if I wouldn't have guessed or try to analyze how she feels, keeping on lying that she's "okay" or thinking about "nothing". Although thinking about "nothing" and being "okay" is sometimes true, but a great explanation to why I keep asking regardless of the state is because it can become The Boy Who Cried Wolf; I can never be absolutely sure with such past experience.

I don't know what is the motives for this kind of behavior. I wish I could just talk to her about it, 100% openly, that she wouldn't fear, not trust or not care about me.

I really don't know the motives, she doesn't tell me, but we need to fix this.

I Understand

I stroke her leg gently as she was talking. I was happy to hear her voice, her talking about how she felt and feels - it's one of the most important things for me.

One of the things I really love about her (among the 10 billion other things. Seriously, I've said and thought about this phrase more than I could imagine. SO IN LOVE WITH HER!) is that she shares her most intimate and deep feelings with me in person. I can feel when it happens, when it's serious. I see it in her gorgeous eyes.

I read her blog more than once. What she felt and what she thought about. I don't have much to say about it, besides that I was crying.

Crying a lot.

I never got to see a lot more into her, a deeper explanation to what how she feels when she feels bad about herself. I knew that there's more than what she wrote me - just like that day when she sat on my lap and shared her deep emotions with me. I was crying because I was happy to see that blog, I was happy to read and understand a lot more. I was happy she found a way to share the things she wanted to share to someone, somewhere so people read and showed support. I was happy to read about her emotional past more than I knew until now.

But I was also crying because I was very sad. I was very, very sad. I was sad because she is a person with SO SO SO many positive and amazing traits. I was sad because she felt that way, that she dealt with something so strong like that. I was sad that she felt so alone, so vulnerable, so judged, so pressured. I was sad, because she was sad.

She is the most amazing and pretty human being on earth. No-one nor nothing's going to change that.

I just miss her so bad right now.

Crying.

Needing to be patient to see her only tomorrow.

My love.

My precious.

Am I a failure?

"You promised you would help me, but you did the opposite."

I am being reminded in this sentence and the way she said it every time I'm doing something that hurts her now. It really sucks, I don't want her to feel bad, especially not because of me.

She told me recently that she feels our relationship is stuck, that it seems I've lost interest in her. But the truth is that I'm dying everyday I don't see her - am I not saying that enough? We meet a lot less than we used to, the studies just fucking ate her alive. It really sucks, to see her normally once a week. That's freaking unbelievable, especially when I've got nothing to do. I really hate the education system. But she's busy, nothing she nor I can do about it. But honestly, why to ever think I lost interest, I'm deeply in love! FOREVER!

I'm trying to make our once in a while meetings the best for her. I hope she's having the fun of her life with me, I don't get to hear her saying that a lot or many compliments because we simply don't meet that often - so I don't know what she feels like sometimes. It leaves me completely clueless sometimes; she is bothered by many questions that I ask her but - if she won't tell alone sometimes, I need to ask!!! Everytime I'm asking her a lot but not get asked back or get much of attention to my questions I feel like I'm bothering her.

My heart took a beating when she said she has things to say, but no one to say them to. I was shocked, how I try to assure her I'm trying to hear her for ever and ever and I'm interested in every little detail. I was shocked and immediately thought "oh my god, what am I doing wrong?". I can't judge her if she doesn't want to tell me things (and she really doesn't tell me everything, which made me feel quite wrong and doubt myself), but isn't this is what it's all about? Sharing and telling each other how good or bad our day was or what ever goes through our minds. I find everything interesting in her so I do get offended when she doesn't share with me something.

She didn't tell me a story from the past in a long time, but that 99% happens in person which of course now barely happens. Argh.

The thing is, I'm not mad at her for being busy. Shit, there'll be a time in our relationship where she'll be even more busy than now and the wheel will turn around and I'll be busy too. Until we get settled together, that's kind of how life is. It sucks sometimes but honestly?

Being with her (meeting talking sleeping, everything) makes me forget about all of that because I love her the most.

I really do.

Broken to pieces

Yesterday I've learned that mistakes can hold a large price. A very, very large price.

Around 4 PM I went on to do my business at the capital. I looked around at the roaming intersection and looked for a shadow to sit under. It was ridiculously hot. I checked my phone once again to see when she was last online, if she wanted to see anything I wrote. I believe she saw what I wrote, what I had to say. I really wanted to talk to her, so I kept trying to contact her, telling her on my day and what I'm doing.

After I've done dealing with what I had to do, I headed back to the bus. I thought to myself;
"Where is she now?", "What does she feel like?", "What is she doing?", "What kept her occupied?".

The way home was slow. Very slow. My emotions were clouded with fear, self hatred and missing her. I wanted to see her so badly, so I decided I'd surprise her. She always welcomed my surprised, the warm feeling of being with me. To literally be there for her.

I've arrived to the station. It was crispy hot, I drank the last quarter of water I had while I walked over to her house. I was looking at her window. I tried messaging her and calling her. No response. I tried to mute my phone and listen. Listen and try to catch up her phone beeping or ringing.

A few days ago we laughed on how terrible my hearing is. She heard a sound that I couldn't. Damn.

I heard the wind blowing through the trees' leaves. I always liked her street, it was so quiet and pretty. I then decided I'd take a picture so she could believe me I was here and then I went to the end of the street.

She finally answered. She told me her mother is going out and that's not a good idea to come over. I moved one block away to make sure her mother wouldn't spot me. I really didn't want her to get into any trouble. I tried to talk to her, tried to bring her out, give her a huge hug and say I'm sorry. Hear about her day and what she's going through. Be her friend.

She refused, she didn't want to see me. I was shocked. She eventually went out to look for me at the end of the street and took a picture. I wasn't there. I was 50 meter away, sitting behind a silent tree, being stared at by strangers for my silent whimpering, holding my tears back.

As soon as I received the picture I took a picture of my position and stood up - walked to the beginning of the street. I froze at the entrance.

"I'm here." I wrote.
"So go away." She replied.

I began crying. I was devastated. I can't even describe the feeling. I felt so, so so bad at that point. I wasn't let in to her space, I was forbidden by her to meet her that day. That was probably the worst feeling I have ever felt, in my entire life.

I went to the bus station with my face looking at the ground, turning my phone off, eyes filled with tears of self hatred. I just sat there, waiting for the bus. It felt like forever.

When I returned home, I turned my phone back on to find out that she wrote to me. She wrote she is suffering, she cannot shed any more tears or she'll dry up and that she needs to talk to me.

So I was there, for her. Listening to what she had to say.
And I listened with my eyes wide open..

At one point she asked if her response was exaggerated. I took time to think about an answer. On one hand, I was rejected like never before today, by her, by wanting to care and support. I was hurt so badly. My thoughts were so faded afterwards.

But on the other hand, I did hurt her very much. I tried to be as open minded as I could, trying to bring my feelings and combine them with hers. I realized what I've done. She slapped me very hard for what I've did. But what I did is unbelievable. So I don't think her response was exaggerated.

"I thought about it. That'd be so easy."

I began crying and wanting to punch the wall so badly. Release my sadness into something. It's my fault. I did this, I pushed her towards this hole. Somewhere where she never wanted to return to ever again. I got her closer to the things she pulled me out of. She built and helped me to survive these kind of situations and I nudged her towards that vicious, awful feeling.

And all I have to explain, is that it was unintended...

I called her later on that night. I tried to talk to her, to calm her down, to be supportive for her.

"You said you'll help me. But you did the opposite."

I honestly couldn't hold my tears any longer. I'm such a failure. I tried to change things up and think of things that would take her away from the conversation. Sometimes I need to figure out how to talk to her, how to approach her and what to do right in order to make her truly happy. It's not easy. But that doesn't mean I'll ever give up on that.

It was very late.

"I love you."
"Okay." She said. No 'I know', not any 'me too'. Just okay.
I've really hurt her.

I feel guilty. Really guilty. That's the strongest feeling I gained from yesterday.

I still have a optimism in me, that's what she wants me to be when she cares for me; happy. But I want her to be happy too. And to be honest, I believe the best cure is time and love. A whole lot of love. And I'm always ready to give her as much love and time she needs.

Forever.

Yes, I'm listening, go on! PLEASE!

"So I arrived the day later to school and I was mocked at. When I think about that, that was the first time I was mocked at for my clothing fashion." She concluded.
"Just let me know if you're bored, okay?" She added.

I wanted to hug her for so long and she set on my lap afterwards. I teared, I couldn't hold it back.

I absolutely love when she tells me about her life, her past, her thoughts, everything. It seems like I'm instantly hooked into everything she has to say, but in a way that has deep meaning. Her stories are full with detail and I'm always interested. I could listen to her for hours, days, weeks, months; non-stop!

Everything she says has such an amazing character; her stories, hilarious smart humor, life experience, thoughts, feelings, opinions. Everything! My passion of care to what she thinks and says, combined with interest of her past / present life stories, just enlarges every time she speaks and shares.

One of the things I really love about her is that she trusts me and shares with me her feelings. When she shares the stories from the past, she includes how she felt, she demonstrates situations, she tries to make me understand - and she succeeds.

My eyes open wide when I hear the voice I love the most. I am really touched by her stories. She tells me some tough experiences in life, she did that from the beginning of when we quite got to know each other better, but her sharing just expanded over time and it feels awesome to hear everything about her.

With her story telling and sharing, among many other things she does; I can't even describe how much I love her, after such a long time with her, there's no doubt she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. And this feeling just intensifies each day with her.

i'm crying again :(

RUN GUY, RUN

God, my chest hurts.

I tossed my schoolbag across the room and hopped on the computer. I tried to check if there's anything to play here and there. She entered that lesson without phone allowed. I thought, "Well, she will probably be hungry". I texted her, asking if she's hungry - while browsing through some recipes on the internet.

Everything is about freaking cakes, for god's sake.

"Oh this looks good", I thought as I scrolled down the webpage, looking for something interesting to make. Eventually I decided on doing some Malawah with some fried onion rings and hotdogs - that was more like an experiment to surprise her. She texted she's not hungry.

Alright well, let's try a solo-salad then.

She seemed very exhausted - not the regular after-school exhausted, but the something-serious-is-going-on exhausted. My six months training taught me - "Don't ask too much, let it come by itself if she wants, be there for her regardless". She cried on my bed - I asked her if it was me, if there was something I could do for her and if she wanted me to exit the room and leave her alone.

All of the answers were a slight shake of her head while I could hear her sobbing.

I stroked her back and palm and waited. I assumed she'd wanted me to wait and not bother her. I assumed she'd share with me whatever's going on whenever she feels like it and it'll be better if I won't push her. She stopped after what seems like forever of worrying and endless thoughts and wiped her tears away.

"What do you want to do?", she asked.

Well, I moved along and talked to her in general. After we watched stuff and some episodes of the big bang I walked her home. I asked her what's going on and I was eased when she told me what's going on. I feel like it's important that she tells me stuff, because it'll improve the chances of me calming her down eventually. Regardless, it's completely her choice of telling me or not.

We eventually decided to go out on a run. Sport's good, and a lot better when it's with her.

"You don't complain a lot, you're getting better!", she said. Well yes, I am actually better at dealing with pain and not bitching! I'm proud of myself, actually.

I told her that one of the most important things for me is getting her home safe - regardless of time, effort and sacrifice necessary. I took her home once while we accidentally fell asleep until 11 PM - this was another 'no way I am giving up on this' moment. She said that she really appreciates it and that she doesn't tell that to me enough.

Well, I wish she'd tell me how much she appreciates everything about me all the time more.

But, I feel it. I'm the closest person to her, as she's the closest person to me. I once asked by her "are you that blind?!" when I panicked that she didn't love me. I understand her, sometimes I am blind and I'm a dick about it. I'm insanely in love with her and seeing her happy is all I need.

I need a shower.

The best

Once I stood up, I felt like I've hurt the most gentle, beautiful, smart, considerate, loving, amazing, awesome, careful, wise, interesting, motivated person I've ever met. I admire her, I told myself as I rushed towards the bus station in hope to reach the last bus.

No, I've missed it.

Instead of focusing on the bus and getting home, I've sent my brother a message to just summon my mother. When I put my phone aside, I started choking. Choking with tears that didn't come out, choking with love that I failed to express correctly, choking with the stupidity I've showed, choking with the smoke I've inhaled today from the fire pit, choking with my fakeness to follow the ride home.

My mom arrived after a 20 minutes wait and I entered the vehicle silently, turning on my emotions releasing song. I was dizzy, I was restless, I was depressed, I was disappointed of myself and I just wanted to disappear. My mom asked me how it was, and I said it was okay. A few minutes later she said I was quiet and I say; "I'm just tired. Just.. tired". I couldn't hold up the tears, one or two came out. I didn't want my mom to see so I wiped it away immediately. Once we got off, I rushed up the staircase and started crying, crying and saying goodnight as I closed the door to my room.

That's where I started crying in voice, whining, loving, releasing, completing - writing;

Michal, is not one of, but is the most amazing person I've ever seen in my life. I see everything positive in her, even when I'm just sad. Nothing she can do will ever change this. I feel I'm an over emotional person, I feel I'm MADLY in love INSANELY with someone I met less than a year ago and plan seeing my grandchildren with. I feel I've been revived by a 20,000 volt defibrillator unit every CHANCE I get to see here. I'm always HAPPY when I see her. I can't even describe how beautiful this girl is. How special she, how AMAZING she is. I truly do LOVE her.

I want her to live a long life. I want her to be happy, forever. I want her to be satisfied, I want her to realize what the society rules are hiding from her; how gorgeous she is, how perfect she is. I'm proud to say I'm her partner in life. I admire her, like I've never admired anyone before. SHE SAVED ME. She saved my life, she gave me a purpose, she led me into the light and she showed me the correct way. I'm happy today, thanks to her.

I'm so afraid of losing her. I'm so afraid of making such a wrong move, I'm afraid I did a terrible thing dragging her and trying to get something out of her thoughts tonight. I want to punish myself so badly, I want to. But she'll be sad, she'll be disappointed and she'll worry. I'll never let that happen, never again.

I want Michal B to be the happiest person on earth and I'll do everything out of anything to make it happen. Along the way, I'll be happy as well, because she wants it too - we'll be happy together.

I cannot express how much I love her.