Everything's perfect. It is, really. I feel really awesome with her, really happy and satisfied with everything we do together.
But there's one problem for me; my craving for intimacy and libido. Once it kicks in, I get depressed instead because I try to contain it. The only thing I could do is work "solo", but that never satisfies me to the level of intimacy I want because it takes two to tango.
Every time I bring it up in front of her, she feels bad and blamed. But I don't blame her at all. There's no one to blame when it's an issue you cannot control. Because she feels bad about it, it becomes a frustration which I can't share with her all the time. If I influence her for the bad side, it's something I have to contain. Keep it in my heart and hope it'll be gone.
I'm secretly depressed sometimes when I just don't get enough intimacy, or want it so bad for long. It doesn't even necessarily revolve around penetrative sexual intercourse. Be it a lot of stroking through my hair, touching each other's faces, a hot make out session, long hugs, cuddling together, looking at each other's eyes. The list is endless, really. It mostly revolves around touch.
I sometimes wonder what's the reason for her lack of giving when it comes to intimacy. I tried giving all, I tried giving nothing, but it never changed. It makes me feel clingy, working too much and being put off for that afterwards. And when nothing else comes to say "I notice that, I like that, I appreciate that"; I feel unnoticed. That makes me emotionally tired, thinking about all of that.
I believe it's mostly the lack of obligations and things to do - which make these issues rise for me. Once we're not matching in amount of things that occupy us - there's imbalance. And once there's imbalance, someone's suffering.
You can't really force someone to be something there's not, especially not in the way of giving intimacy. It has to be real and honest. I think this is something which is being "planted" in someone's perspective from their childhood and close society.
I just need to find an escape method when I'm in urge for intimacy and being close to her, something that makes me accept it, ignore it or forget it.
