Quiet days

As I wipe the sweat off my forehead, scrubbing a deck in a smelly room, I think about what I'll do at home. I think about what will support me and can help me get through this messy feeling, how to tell her how I feel.

Recently I had an argument with my dad about me using the vehicle. He said he was annoyed about me highly using the vehicle. It was then cleared out that he was specifically unsatisfied with the fact that Zoey (I'm astounded I remembered it was the nickname I gave her) seem to use me. He stated that it doesn't seem like Zoey shows a lot of interest in me and meets me when she feels comfortable with, instead of going out of her way to try and suprise me/please me/make me happy.

As I was sitting on the bench, sweating and counting the hours to when I'll see a computer screen again, she gave me a call. 'Perfect!', I thought and answered gladly. She was quite upset still, I tried to get some conversation going from her about her day and how's she's feeling. Nothing too detailed, she was on her way home and I assumed the heat and the recent feeling is bumming her down even more. I decided to cut the conversation and let her be with herself. I believed that if she wanted to talk more and approach me for a chat she'd do it on her own.

The problem is, I do feel like she does go out of her way - sometimes. My dad has some valid points, sometimes I do feel like she doesn't go out of her way enough and I have to do the extra more. I cover this feeling with the excuse that right now is not a good time to confront her about it due to her finals and prom which she's very stressed and worried about - which is very true. I put a lot of effort in making her happy and pleased during her tough times.

She didn't say "I appreciate you for these things" for a long time and it makes it look like she takes it for granted / got used to it. Which, unfortunately, has happened in the past. I really miss the supportive and dedicated her.

As the train wiggled between the rails, exiting the station, I opened my bag and fished out my sandwich. While eating it, I thought about her again, of course. I will never be able to get her out of my head, I'm so attached and in love, full of appreciation for the history we have and things we went through. I was still thinking about giving her space and letting her approach when she feels comfortable enough to do so.

I always believe, still, we go through bad things without a problem since we want to be together. For the history and the chemistry between us (there's no better feeling than laughing at random things together). I have hope in me that all of this will go away once she's done with school, I bet it's just tough shit because of the stressful situation.

I had to let these feelings out somehow.

The cook

Her: "I cook and clean for you and that's how I show you how much I love you."

Him: "Okay. So when you cook for me you put in a lot of effort. You get the right ingredients, follow the recipe and everything is delicious. I come to you and tell you that the food looks great and smells amazing. You, my dear, are the best cook ever. Then we sit down and I don't eat what you cooked. I'll give any excuse but in the end I don't eat what you cooked for me. Now you find this strange. You think I must not like the food. Or else I'm lying. Or else I'm eating with someone else. But no. I just don't want to eat it I tell you. 'It must be me', you think. 'Maybe I'm not as good a cook as I thought'. But everyone else says your food looks great and if they were in my shoes they would eat everyday.
Once a month you make me Mac and Cheese and I devour it. So fucking good I say. Fucking best ever. But if you try to make the Mac and Cheese a day later or in the morning I say: 'I can't eat that now. It's the wrong time. Why does everything have to be about food with you?!'
If you cooked for me everyday and I didn't eat it, wouldn't you be sad, confused and rejected?"

Her: "Yes."

Him: "Well that's how I feel when I care for you, work hard and throw every bit of charm I have at you..."

Her: "I love all of that. I love you and I want you!"

Me: "You say that dear, but you're not eating."

Someone Out There

I think it's terrifying that a person that loves people so much ends up lonely.

It's not that he doesn't have friends, he's good at making new ones too, but perhaps he's too afraid to move onwards to the next level of connection between a person.

It's probably good that strong connections should happen naturally. Forcing something is so unhealthy.

The problem with one opening themselves to another is the issue of trust mostly. People that get so hurt get so lonely and locked up from everything and everyone - it's simply terrible.

Experience teaches humans to be careful for the next time, but how locked up can a person be?!

Sometimes people get hurt, it's hard to blame someone because usually the good people don't hurt on purpose, which within comes the complexity of realizing who's right or wrong.

But, there's no right and wrong globally in some situations, it's just a right and wrong personally. It's a place where you go with your gut despite what others might say or if it might hurt someone else (though it should be minimized to the least).

The Neglected Urge of Touch

Everything's perfect. It is, really. I feel really awesome with her, really happy and satisfied with everything we do together.

But there's one problem for me; my craving for intimacy and libido. Once it kicks in, I get depressed instead because I try to contain it. The only thing I could do is work "solo", but that never satisfies me to the level of intimacy I want because it takes two to tango.

Every time I bring it up in front of her, she feels bad and blamed. But I don't blame her at all. There's no one to blame when it's an issue you cannot control. Because she feels bad about it, it becomes a frustration which I can't share with her all the time. If I influence her for the bad side, it's something I have to contain. Keep it in my heart and hope it'll be gone.

I'm secretly depressed sometimes when I just don't get enough intimacy, or want it so bad for long. It doesn't even necessarily revolve around penetrative sexual intercourse. Be it a lot of stroking through my hair, touching each other's faces, a hot make out session, long hugs, cuddling together, looking at each other's eyes. The list is endless, really. It mostly revolves around touch.

I sometimes wonder what's the reason for her lack of giving when it comes to intimacy. I tried giving all, I tried giving nothing, but it never changed. It makes me feel clingy, working too much and being put off for that afterwards. And when nothing else comes to say "I notice that, I like that, I appreciate that"; I feel unnoticed. That makes me emotionally tired, thinking about all of that.

I believe it's mostly the lack of obligations and things to do - which make these issues rise for me. Once we're not matching in amount of things that occupy us - there's imbalance. And once there's imbalance, someone's suffering.

You can't really force someone to be something there's not, especially not in the way of giving intimacy. It has to be real and honest. I think this is something which is being "planted" in someone's perspective from their childhood and close society.

I just need to find an escape method when I'm in urge for intimacy and being close to her, something that makes me accept it, ignore it or forget it.

Silent emotions

I asked her why she never talks to me when I ask her questions about her feelings, why she never tells me how she feels. She told me because she hated my responses.

I don't understand how one can keep hiding their feelings from their significant other. For me, it's practically no co-operation in trying to solve an issue between the two. But sometimes, that no co-operation comes from fear, hate or a bad experience from when she actually co-operated.

I understand I need to be more careful with how I express myself during an argument, yes. I am not perfect, never was never will be. But, something is bad. The non-sharing mentality is harming both of us.

I feel like she has lost her emotional trust in me. Like she's afraid of doing any mistakes. The problem in being afraid of doing any of these mistakes that; it hurts both of us. I believe, not sharing one's emotions is one of the worse issues of lack of trust.

Or maybe general trust isn't the issue. Maybe it's loss of emotional trust towards me, since there might be a fear of me doing an action that she wouldn't like. Yeah, we all get angry, but it's not like I'm not going to love her less / stop loving her.

Or it could be just lack of interest, lack of care about me as a person. I wouldn't like to think about this as a possibility, but due to the fact there is no answer given all I have left is to speculate and try to come up with reasons of why she's failing to share her opinion and emotions. Maybe it's because I'm not seen as a man for her if I hear her feelings and not try to guess them. Maybe she thinks she has no right to say her opinion in the relationship.

She hates when I try to guess but we'd be no-where if I wouldn't have guessed or try to analyze how she feels, keeping on lying that she's "okay" or thinking about "nothing". Although thinking about "nothing" and being "okay" is sometimes true, but a great explanation to why I keep asking regardless of the state is because it can become The Boy Who Cried Wolf; I can never be absolutely sure with such past experience.

I don't know what is the motives for this kind of behavior. I wish I could just talk to her about it, 100% openly, that she wouldn't fear, not trust or not care about me.

I really don't know the motives, she doesn't tell me, but we need to fix this.

I Understand

I stroke her leg gently as she was talking. I was happy to hear her voice, her talking about how she felt and feels - it's one of the most important things for me.

One of the things I really love about her (among the 10 billion other things. Seriously, I've said and thought about this phrase more than I could imagine. SO IN LOVE WITH HER!) is that she shares her most intimate and deep feelings with me in person. I can feel when it happens, when it's serious. I see it in her gorgeous eyes.

I read her blog more than once. What she felt and what she thought about. I don't have much to say about it, besides that I was crying.

Crying a lot.

I never got to see a lot more into her, a deeper explanation to what how she feels when she feels bad about herself. I knew that there's more than what she wrote me - just like that day when she sat on my lap and shared her deep emotions with me. I was crying because I was happy to see that blog, I was happy to read and understand a lot more. I was happy she found a way to share the things she wanted to share to someone, somewhere so people read and showed support. I was happy to read about her emotional past more than I knew until now.

But I was also crying because I was very sad. I was very, very sad. I was sad because she is a person with SO SO SO many positive and amazing traits. I was sad because she felt that way, that she dealt with something so strong like that. I was sad that she felt so alone, so vulnerable, so judged, so pressured. I was sad, because she was sad.

She is the most amazing and pretty human being on earth. No-one nor nothing's going to change that.

I just miss her so bad right now.

Crying.

Needing to be patient to see her only tomorrow.

My love.

My precious.

Am I a failure?

"You promised you would help me, but you did the opposite."

I am being reminded in this sentence and the way she said it every time I'm doing something that hurts her now. It really sucks, I don't want her to feel bad, especially not because of me.

She told me recently that she feels our relationship is stuck, that it seems I've lost interest in her. But the truth is that I'm dying everyday I don't see her - am I not saying that enough? We meet a lot less than we used to, the studies just fucking ate her alive. It really sucks, to see her normally once a week. That's freaking unbelievable, especially when I've got nothing to do. I really hate the education system. But she's busy, nothing she nor I can do about it. But honestly, why to ever think I lost interest, I'm deeply in love! FOREVER!

I'm trying to make our once in a while meetings the best for her. I hope she's having the fun of her life with me, I don't get to hear her saying that a lot or many compliments because we simply don't meet that often - so I don't know what she feels like sometimes. It leaves me completely clueless sometimes; she is bothered by many questions that I ask her but - if she won't tell alone sometimes, I need to ask!!! Everytime I'm asking her a lot but not get asked back or get much of attention to my questions I feel like I'm bothering her.

My heart took a beating when she said she has things to say, but no one to say them to. I was shocked, how I try to assure her I'm trying to hear her for ever and ever and I'm interested in every little detail. I was shocked and immediately thought "oh my god, what am I doing wrong?". I can't judge her if she doesn't want to tell me things (and she really doesn't tell me everything, which made me feel quite wrong and doubt myself), but isn't this is what it's all about? Sharing and telling each other how good or bad our day was or what ever goes through our minds. I find everything interesting in her so I do get offended when she doesn't share with me something.

She didn't tell me a story from the past in a long time, but that 99% happens in person which of course now barely happens. Argh.

The thing is, I'm not mad at her for being busy. Shit, there'll be a time in our relationship where she'll be even more busy than now and the wheel will turn around and I'll be busy too. Until we get settled together, that's kind of how life is. It sucks sometimes but honestly?

Being with her (meeting talking sleeping, everything) makes me forget about all of that because I love her the most.

I really do.