Quiet days

As I wipe the sweat off my forehead, scrubbing a deck in a smelly room, I think about what I'll do at home. I think about what will support me and can help me get through this messy feeling, how to tell her how I feel.

Recently I had an argument with my dad about me using the vehicle. He said he was annoyed about me highly using the vehicle. It was then cleared out that he was specifically unsatisfied with the fact that Zoey (I'm astounded I remembered it was the nickname I gave her) seem to use me. He stated that it doesn't seem like Zoey shows a lot of interest in me and meets me when she feels comfortable with, instead of going out of her way to try and suprise me/please me/make me happy.

As I was sitting on the bench, sweating and counting the hours to when I'll see a computer screen again, she gave me a call. 'Perfect!', I thought and answered gladly. She was quite upset still, I tried to get some conversation going from her about her day and how's she's feeling. Nothing too detailed, she was on her way home and I assumed the heat and the recent feeling is bumming her down even more. I decided to cut the conversation and let her be with herself. I believed that if she wanted to talk more and approach me for a chat she'd do it on her own.

The problem is, I do feel like she does go out of her way - sometimes. My dad has some valid points, sometimes I do feel like she doesn't go out of her way enough and I have to do the extra more. I cover this feeling with the excuse that right now is not a good time to confront her about it due to her finals and prom which she's very stressed and worried about - which is very true. I put a lot of effort in making her happy and pleased during her tough times.

She didn't say "I appreciate you for these things" for a long time and it makes it look like she takes it for granted / got used to it. Which, unfortunately, has happened in the past. I really miss the supportive and dedicated her.

As the train wiggled between the rails, exiting the station, I opened my bag and fished out my sandwich. While eating it, I thought about her again, of course. I will never be able to get her out of my head, I'm so attached and in love, full of appreciation for the history we have and things we went through. I was still thinking about giving her space and letting her approach when she feels comfortable enough to do so.

I always believe, still, we go through bad things without a problem since we want to be together. For the history and the chemistry between us (there's no better feeling than laughing at random things together). I have hope in me that all of this will go away once she's done with school, I bet it's just tough shit because of the stressful situation.

I had to let these feelings out somehow.

The cook

Her: "I cook and clean for you and that's how I show you how much I love you."

Him: "Okay. So when you cook for me you put in a lot of effort. You get the right ingredients, follow the recipe and everything is delicious. I come to you and tell you that the food looks great and smells amazing. You, my dear, are the best cook ever. Then we sit down and I don't eat what you cooked. I'll give any excuse but in the end I don't eat what you cooked for me. Now you find this strange. You think I must not like the food. Or else I'm lying. Or else I'm eating with someone else. But no. I just don't want to eat it I tell you. 'It must be me', you think. 'Maybe I'm not as good a cook as I thought'. But everyone else says your food looks great and if they were in my shoes they would eat everyday.
Once a month you make me Mac and Cheese and I devour it. So fucking good I say. Fucking best ever. But if you try to make the Mac and Cheese a day later or in the morning I say: 'I can't eat that now. It's the wrong time. Why does everything have to be about food with you?!'
If you cooked for me everyday and I didn't eat it, wouldn't you be sad, confused and rejected?"

Her: "Yes."

Him: "Well that's how I feel when I care for you, work hard and throw every bit of charm I have at you..."

Her: "I love all of that. I love you and I want you!"

Me: "You say that dear, but you're not eating."