I still

I still feel her arms wrapped tightly around my back
I still smell her captivating scent
I still press my lips against her soft ones
I still stroke her back
I still move her hair
I still bite her lower lip
I still get filled with excitement
I still enjoy her presence
I still talk to her about everything
I still have emotions and feelings towards her
I still think of her everyday
I still miss her when I don't see her
I still admire and appreciate her
I still care for her
I still love her, so much.

Breath Taker [short story]

She turned around and released the grip from my hand. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her waist, kissing her soft lips. I was thinking only about her. I tilted my head and she wrapped her arms around my neck, began to mess with my hair.

I continued to press my lips against hers. As I was holding on her waist I grabbed her further forward. We slowly leaned backwards, opening our eyes like we woke up from an amazing dream. I hugged her. We could do this for hours.

"I love being with you." I mumbled as I softly moved my head against hers.
"I love being with you too." She said quietly as she tucked her head against my heart beating chest.

I was thinking of how I love her for everything. Not only with the way we express our emotions with passionate hugs, cuddles and make outs which we enjoy, but her amazing mindset, heart melting traits and gorgeous look all together.

I slowly moved back and then leaned forward. I gave her a long, passionate kiss as I was tightly gripping on her waist.

"Good night.", we said to each other as we were slowly sliding off each other, leaving our hands. I looked at her closing the gate behind her. I think she never looked behind her when we walk away. I sometimes do and smile. It hurts a little bit like goodbye.

When I walk home, I didn't think of anything but how we said goodbye to each other.

------

Background for this story will arrive in the next post. I really wanted to share this. She's amazing in all aspects.

Conflict Rant

"What do you want me to do in order to make you believe in me?", I asked with my hands tucked my pockets, eager to hear a response, yet attempting to embrace the worst response I'd might ever hear. 

She eyed me with her heart-melting eyes and said, "I want you to do what you want". 

At this moment I wanted to shout that I want to do anything to get her to love me, anything SHE would want. But I was obviously scared of her response.

We've been talking for exactly a month and a day, uh, September 9th if I remember correctly. I admire her than anything else and I think it'll be very hard for me to get rid of this feeling towards her. I believe her when she claims she cares for me back. If you've read Viva La Romantica post, you understand how much I enjoy her presence, both whenever it's for a friend-only activities where we laugh and talk to each other casually, as well as when we just cuddle together and sit silently, letting the wind and our relaxed breath be the only thing we hear.

I feel like I've met someone I've been looking for a long time. Ever since I got that interest in relationships and friendships since I was 14, I suddenly met her. The one and only. People will say "there's other fish in the sea" but by the people I've looked for, both in real life and on the internet, I've realized that finding someone like her is rare. I need her to understand that she is something really special, something that someone like me wouldn't want to date for two months and leave all the sudden because of a silly argument or something like that.

I need her to understand that I'm willing to do everything to preserve this relationship. I'll have the out most respect and care for her, just like I do now. I will give her as much as personal space as she'll need and not be clingy. I don't know, anything that would make her believe that I'm worth it.

I did a mistake by telling her that I have feelings for her a week and a half ago. My timing is horrifying, yes, but I just couldn't keep it. Now that I notice it was a mistake I decided to write back to my blog instead of sharing ALL of what I have in my mind because I'm afraid of losing her more than anything. Like, this is truly my biggest fear.

In the best case scenario, if she decides to accept me - I'll continue to love her and I'll do my best to pursue after her wishes and dreams. I'll do whatever I can to be there for her, just like I am now.

In the medium case scenario, if she decides to reject me - I'll be heart broken. It's no lie, yes, I'll be heart broken but I wouldn't hate her for it, unlike what she believes. But it's her life, and I will have to deal accepting what she wants.

In the worst case scenario, if she does decide to end it all completely - the same with the medium case will happen, probably even worse.

I'm going to remain with a major jealous thought of how lucky another guy that she'll actually fall in-love with will be. It makes my heart hurt just of typing and thinking about it, because I really don't want this scenario to happen.

As much as she'd hate to hear me say it (therefore I'll never say it) - it's her decision after all.

.

.

.

.

.

It was a confusing yet an enjoy full night when we cuddled together. I really want to do it more, I hope she does too.

Viva La Romantics

(No background for this post, only a story.)

I adjusted myself in front of her again as she sat at the half-wall and reached my height. We talked about the possibility of a relationship. In the end, she doesn't want a commitment. In all honesty? I can understand her fears. Her fears of committing your attention to someone at all times. What I was thinking is that it doesn't have to be this way, the way of always talking to each other and must be communicating with each other on an hourly basis. I can be a different experience and a good one for her.

I really wanted to explain and elaborate on how I'd be a good caring yet not "demanding" boyfriend. I really wanted to say something about how I'd understand people need their distance sometimes and I'd respect it everyday any day. I wanted to convince her that she's going to miss out, that she should at-least give it a try, but I was afraid it'll make her just step away from the idea in belief that I'm over my head in it. I decided to take a seat on the half wall to her left.

"Because," she paused for a moment as she eyed forward at the landscape which was fairly lit by the almost-full moon "if I'm going to commit for something, I really need to want it".

I nodded and said that I understand. My chest began to hurt, it felt like the emotion of losing and missing her out became a physical pain and not only emotional one. For some reason I didn't cry, despite the fact I've never felt so confused with sadness in my entire life. She rested her head on me and I rested mine on hers.

I decided to go for it, ask it one more time: "Could I get a hug?", I always wanted her confirmation to make sure she doesn't feel forced upon if I'd reach her physically without asking. She said yes and looked at me at how possible it'll be since we're both sitting on an edge of a half wall. I didn't hesitate and gripped her by her legs and back, set her onto my laps and hugged her.

I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. I was wondering how she feels at this situation when she stated she just wants to be friends. I didn't think it disturbed her because she didn't resist or said anything against it. For a long time we maintained the hug, and I was shaking. I was shaking because of the fear of what she'll manage to figure out of this situation.

"You're really shaking" she said. I was embarrassed because I didn't want to shake. It really brought out my fear. I moved my body once every five minutes to try and get it to stop shaking. After a long hug, she leaned a little bit away but maintained a grip onto me around my upper back. I maintained a grip around her back and adjusted myself once again on the half wall.

"Have you ever sat like this?", I asked in deep interest.
"No.", she said with a faint voice.
"Me neither", I replied.

We looked at the view. A moon-bright lit field with sounds of a rural road in the far distance. I began to stroke her back gently. She began to stroke my hair. I personally really enjoy when people mess and stroke my hair. I closed my eyes and leaned towards her. I swear if I could I'd have just purr really loud in that moment like a happy cat. After she stopped stroking my hair, I opened my eyes and pecked her left cheek. My heart was racing as I thought I did a mistake, but it felt so right. [1]

After a while that we just stared together at the view, she stepped off and leaned at the half wall. I did the same shortly after. I was leaning next to her. I scratched her right arm in a playful way. I really enjoy her presence. She seemed to wonder in thoughts for about ten minutes. At this moment I began signing 'BROODS - Bridges' in my head.

She said that she needed to go, and she really did. It was hella late. We walked up to the sidewalk and I saw her watery eyes. I stopped her and asked if she's sad, what's wrong.
"Fifty fifty", she replied with her gorgeous eyes looking at me.
"Why?", I asked, thinking only of what I could have possibly done wrong.
She said she enjoyed it, yet that what we've talked about made her sad.
I hugged her again.

We're trying to figure out what's the best for us. I'm trying to be as honest as I can for her. My wish dream? Is to get a positive response. But I'm always reminding myself that on the contrary she might not want to. I can't say that I'll be happy with a negative response. Yeah, I'll learn to live through it but I still really want it. I'm really interested in what she's thinking of the conflict, what sides she has in it. Does the pros go over the cons for her, or is it vice-versa?

I believe we enjoy each other's presence and especially in an emotional state of hugging each other.

I guess this is the biggest struggle when it comes to relationships; deciding things together.



__________
[1] "My mind's telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yes!"

My First Hug

She leaned a little bit back, while still gripping onto my lightly shaking body with a racing heart, looked at my eyes once again and asked: "Are you crying?".

With very watery eyes, all I could focus on is her beautiful eyes and I said: "A little bit, yes."

Two weeks before the summer vacation ended I've met someone who revived my belief in trusting and sharing stuff with people. I believe this belief should never die like it has in the end of last school year. I'm now in my senior year and I'm closing up to being 18 years old (which is a very overwhelming thing if you ask me). I'll call her Jennifer. Jennifer is younger than me, around the age of 15. When we first went out I was surprised she wasn't being disturbed by the age difference and it didn't disturb us to really share and ask for each other's opinions.

It wasn't a real honest conversation as I always wanted, though. I didn't imagine that at this point I'd have a big trust in someone, especially after what I've been through. My life at that point was really dull, rather than just sad. I needed someone to talk to and Jennifer really helped me in this part. I really liked her, but I never loved her in such way that I'd think I'd move on with a relationship with her - mainly because of the age difference which always bothered me when I talked to her.

I am a very horrible person when it comes to keeping spoilers, so if you read the last sentence right you guessed I no longer speak to Jennifer. It's been a month after I've known her and we talked on two-three daily basis. In some sort of way she boosted me up for being happy on the first day of my senior year. I was overwhelmed by how people welcomed my happiness and positive attitude towards them. I was overwhelmed I could even do that in a conscious mind (also known as sober - I drank only once and I figured out what it did to my social abilities).

Jennifer introduced me to two new people. One which I've seen numerous times but never actually got a chance to talk beyond school and I'll call her Nelly. The second person is someone which I've saw a few times before in school but never, ever got to talk to or talk. I'll call her Zoey. We hanged out and got to meet each other a little bit, the four of us. The thing that I missed out and underestimated is the amount of anger and depression that has settled in Jennifer after what she's gone though. She has gone through sexual abuse once and she has been bullied frequently in school.

I wished I could do something to help her out, but she really wanted to maintain those facts as past and not as something to fix. But I could see that it had hurt her and left kind of a scar. I could really see it when she was turning into a very aggressive person when a small thing startled her. I stepped back, because I had no choice. I eventually talked to Nelly about it and well, I thought I met someone new and my instant mistake is to share. It's something I really need to control, getting easily attached to people. My excuse is that easily attached is being caused when I can see I have no-one else around me, literally those people (in phases) become the only one I talk to. I never know for how long which is even more scary.

But, as things rolled, Nelly forwarded my issues to Zoey. I don't think it's because she didn't give a fuck and I've been told it's because she really didn't knew what to do with them. I believe it and I think I can understand it from my experience of attempting to help people before I've gone through some deep shit or something that I could actually relate to. Zoey really welcomed me, even after an anxiety attack (or two, and dear lord I hate having those). At the first hour I talked to her, I was just about to give up on all the people I know and close myself in the worst case scenario, because I was during an anxiety attack.

I have no clue what was her motive for keeping the conversation while I was passive aggressive in it, crying while texting to her. A week goes by and I scroll up the chat and I find out I've talked to her every day ever since. She asked me questions, simple ones and ones which related to my problems. I always wanted someone like it, because it made me feel like she cared about me, when I think it was just to get to know me. I was suddenly realizing that, she really fished me out of that hole and maintained me out of it. Hole of anger, confusion and depression.

We had about one or two misunderstanding and unlike most of the people I've met, she decided to talk about it like an actual mature and smart person. Talking about it made us understand each other, I believe. You can see that I'm trying as far as speaking for her, I'm not saying "Zoey liked me" unless she actually said it, unless I actually heard it from her (and the irony here is that I'm always assuming that people think bad things about me and never good things).

Me and Zoey went out a few times together, most of these times was with her friends. I like them, because they bring joy and distract me (and I hope it's the same for Zoey) from the bad and shit my life is filled with. They just let me disconnect from awful thoughts or beliefs and enjoy the little moments and most important; laugh. I'm trying to keep conversations with Zoey light as possible so she won't think like I'm only communicating with her as an escape pod for my bad shit. I'm trying to maintain both friendship and emotional / sharing relationship balanced, because after knowing her for just a few weeks, I fell in-love.

I fell in-love with how someone didn't give up on me because of my depression. I fell in-love with how someone doesn't judge me on my past or hate me because I cry out for help in the middle of the night. Fell in-love with a person that cares for me and I really care for. I fell in-love with a beautiful person which has wonderful humor and lifted me up in one of the most emotional days in my life. I fell in-love with Zoey.

It was a chilly Autumn night. She was sitting on the edge of a sidewalk and I embraced my social anxiety fear and sat in front of her, close to her. We glanced at each others' eyes. I felt like words weren't needed. As we looked into each others' eyes we began to smile, showing affection to each other. Behind her sweater sleeves, her smile was getting warmer. My heart began racing and I was melting on the inside from her golden smile. 

I asked her: "How can I prove to you that you're an amazing, smart, funny and beautiful person which I really like?".
She struck me by saying: "When you'll realize you're too". 

My eyes were filled with tears. I was on the verge of crying and I didn't know why. I looked away a little bit and thought about it. She made me appreciate myself at that moment, as much as I appreciate her, so much. I looked away for almost a minute which felt like eternity. I decided to look back into her eyes, to let her see how deep she aimed for, how deep she effected me with saying such a simple phrase which meant everything for me. 

With half-choked voice from tears of happiness I asked her: "Could I get a hug?". She nodded and settled herself forward on my laps and hugged me tightly. I didn't count how long this hug was, I didn't care my leg "fell asleep" from sitting in the same posture for half an hour, I didn't care how much bullshit I have in my life, I didn't care what others could think of me. I only thought of her and I hugged her as tight as I could to express my deep love and appreciation. It felt so comfortable. It felt so releasing. It felt so relaxing. It felt so amazing.