Around 4 PM I went on to do my business at the capital. I looked around at the roaming intersection and looked for a shadow to sit under. It was ridiculously hot. I checked my phone once again to see when she was last online, if she wanted to see anything I wrote. I believe she saw what I wrote, what I had to say. I really wanted to talk to her, so I kept trying to contact her, telling her on my day and what I'm doing.
After I've done dealing with what I had to do, I headed back to the bus. I thought to myself;
"Where is she now?", "What does she feel like?", "What is she doing?", "What kept her occupied?".
The way home was slow. Very slow. My emotions were clouded with fear, self hatred and missing her. I wanted to see her so badly, so I decided I'd surprise her. She always welcomed my surprised, the warm feeling of being with me. To literally be there for her.
I've arrived to the station. It was crispy hot, I drank the last quarter of water I had while I walked over to her house. I was looking at her window. I tried messaging her and calling her. No response. I tried to mute my phone and listen. Listen and try to catch up her phone beeping or ringing.
A few days ago we laughed on how terrible my hearing is. She heard a sound that I couldn't. Damn.
I heard the wind blowing through the trees' leaves. I always liked her street, it was so quiet and pretty. I then decided I'd take a picture so she could believe me I was here and then I went to the end of the street.
She finally answered. She told me her mother is going out and that's not a good idea to come over. I moved one block away to make sure her mother wouldn't spot me. I really didn't want her to get into any trouble. I tried to talk to her, tried to bring her out, give her a huge hug and say I'm sorry. Hear about her day and what she's going through. Be her friend.
She refused, she didn't want to see me. I was shocked. She eventually went out to look for me at the end of the street and took a picture. I wasn't there. I was 50 meter away, sitting behind a silent tree, being stared at by strangers for my silent whimpering, holding my tears back.
As soon as I received the picture I took a picture of my position and stood up - walked to the beginning of the street. I froze at the entrance.
"I'm here." I wrote.
"So go away." She replied.
I began crying. I was devastated. I can't even describe the feeling. I felt so, so so bad at that point. I wasn't let in to her space, I was forbidden by her to meet her that day. That was probably the worst feeling I have ever felt, in my entire life.
I went to the bus station with my face looking at the ground, turning my phone off, eyes filled with tears of self hatred. I just sat there, waiting for the bus. It felt like forever.
When I returned home, I turned my phone back on to find out that she wrote to me. She wrote she is suffering, she cannot shed any more tears or she'll dry up and that she needs to talk to me.
So I was there, for her. Listening to what she had to say.
And I listened with my eyes wide open..
At one point she asked if her response was exaggerated. I took time to think about an answer. On one hand, I was rejected like never before today, by her, by wanting to care and support. I was hurt so badly. My thoughts were so faded afterwards.
But on the other hand, I did hurt her very much. I tried to be as open minded as I could, trying to bring my feelings and combine them with hers. I realized what I've done. She slapped me very hard for what I've did. But what I did is unbelievable. So I don't think her response was exaggerated.
"I thought about it. That'd be so easy."
I began crying and wanting to punch the wall so badly. Release my sadness into something. It's my fault. I did this, I pushed her towards this hole. Somewhere where she never wanted to return to ever again. I got her closer to the things she pulled me out of. She built and helped me to survive these kind of situations and I nudged her towards that vicious, awful feeling.
And all I have to explain, is that it was unintended...
I called her later on that night. I tried to talk to her, to calm her down, to be supportive for her.
"You said you'll help me. But you did the opposite."
I honestly couldn't hold my tears any longer. I'm such a failure. I tried to change things up and think of things that would take her away from the conversation. Sometimes I need to figure out how to talk to her, how to approach her and what to do right in order to make her truly happy. It's not easy. But that doesn't mean I'll ever give up on that.
It was very late.
"I love you."
"Okay." She said. No 'I know', not any 'me too'. Just okay.
I've really hurt her.
I feel guilty. Really guilty. That's the strongest feeling I gained from yesterday.
I still have a optimism in me, that's what she wants me to be when she cares for me; happy. But I want her to be happy too. And to be honest, I believe the best cure is time and love. A whole lot of love. And I'm always ready to give her as much love and time she needs.
Forever.
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