She leaned a little bit back, while still gripping onto my lightly shaking body with a racing heart, looked at my eyes once again and asked: "Are you crying?".
With very watery eyes, all I could focus on is her beautiful eyes and I said: "A little bit, yes."
Two weeks before the summer vacation ended I've met someone who revived my belief in trusting and sharing stuff with people. I believe this belief should never die like it has in the end of last school year. I'm now in my senior year and I'm closing up to being 18 years old (which is a very overwhelming thing if you ask me). I'll call her Jennifer. Jennifer is younger than me, around the age of 15. When we first went out I was surprised she wasn't being disturbed by the age difference and it didn't disturb us to really share and ask for each other's opinions.
It wasn't a real honest conversation as I always wanted, though. I didn't imagine that at this point I'd have a big trust in someone, especially after what I've been through. My life at that point was really dull, rather than just sad. I needed someone to talk to and Jennifer really helped me in this part. I really liked her, but I never loved her in such way that I'd think I'd move on with a relationship with her - mainly because of the age difference which always bothered me when I talked to her.
I am a very horrible person when it comes to keeping spoilers, so if you read the last sentence right you guessed I no longer speak to Jennifer. It's been a month after I've known her and we talked on two-three daily basis. In some sort of way she boosted me up for being happy on the first day of my senior year. I was overwhelmed by how people welcomed my happiness and positive attitude towards them. I was overwhelmed I could even do that in a conscious mind (also known as sober - I drank only once and I figured out what it did to my social abilities).
Jennifer introduced me to two new people. One which I've seen numerous times but never actually got a chance to talk beyond school and I'll call her Nelly. The second person is someone which I've saw a few times before in school but never, ever got to talk to or talk. I'll call her Zoey. We hanged out and got to meet each other a little bit, the four of us. The thing that I missed out and underestimated is the amount of anger and depression that has settled in Jennifer after what she's gone though. She has gone through sexual abuse once and she has been bullied frequently in school.
I wished I could do something to help her out, but she really wanted to maintain those facts as past and not as something to fix. But I could see that it had hurt her and left kind of a scar. I could really see it when she was turning into a very aggressive person when a small thing startled her. I stepped back, because I had no choice. I eventually talked to Nelly about it and well, I thought I met someone new and my instant mistake is to share. It's something I really need to control, getting easily attached to people. My excuse is that easily attached is being caused when I can see I have no-one else around me, literally those people (in phases) become the only one I talk to. I never know for how long which is even more scary.
But, as things rolled, Nelly forwarded my issues to Zoey. I don't think it's because she didn't give a fuck and I've been told it's because she really didn't knew what to do with them. I believe it and I think I can understand it from my experience of attempting to help people before I've gone through some deep shit or something that I could actually relate to. Zoey really welcomed me, even after an anxiety attack (or two, and dear lord I hate having those). At the first hour I talked to her, I was just about to give up on all the people I know and close myself in the worst case scenario, because I was during an anxiety attack.
I have no clue what was her motive for keeping the conversation while I was passive aggressive in it, crying while texting to her. A week goes by and I scroll up the chat and I find out I've talked to her every day ever since. She asked me questions, simple ones and ones which related to my problems. I always wanted someone like it, because it made me feel like she cared about me, when I think it was just to get to know me. I was suddenly realizing that, she really fished me out of that hole and maintained me out of it. Hole of anger, confusion and depression.
We had about one or two misunderstanding and unlike most of the people I've met, she decided to talk about it like an actual mature and smart person. Talking about it made us understand each other, I believe. You can see that I'm trying as far as speaking for her, I'm not saying "Zoey liked me" unless she actually said it, unless I actually heard it from her (and the irony here is that I'm always assuming that people think bad things about me and never good things).
Me and Zoey went out a few times together, most of these times was with her friends. I like them, because they bring joy and distract me (and I hope it's the same for Zoey) from the bad and shit my life is filled with. They just let me disconnect from awful thoughts or beliefs and enjoy the little moments and most important; laugh. I'm trying to keep conversations with Zoey light as possible so she won't think like I'm only communicating with her as an escape pod for my bad shit. I'm trying to maintain both friendship and emotional / sharing relationship balanced, because after knowing her for just a few weeks, I fell in-love.
I fell in-love with how someone didn't give up on me because of my depression. I fell in-love with how someone doesn't judge me on my past or hate me because I cry out for help in the middle of the night. Fell in-love with a person that cares for me and I really care for. I fell in-love with a beautiful person which has wonderful humor and lifted me up in one of the most emotional days in my life. I fell in-love with Zoey.
It was a chilly Autumn night. She was sitting on the edge of a sidewalk and I embraced my social anxiety fear and sat in front of her, close to her. We glanced at each others' eyes. I felt like words weren't needed. As we looked into each others' eyes we began to smile, showing affection to each other. Behind her sweater sleeves, her smile was getting warmer. My heart began racing and I was melting on the inside from her golden smile.
I asked her: "How can I prove to you that you're an amazing, smart, funny and beautiful person which I really like?".
She struck me by saying: "When you'll realize you're too".
My eyes were filled with tears. I was on the verge of crying and I didn't know why. I looked away a little bit and thought about it. She made me appreciate myself at that moment, as much as I appreciate her, so much. I looked away for almost a minute which felt like eternity. I decided to look back into her eyes, to let her see how deep she aimed for, how deep she effected me with saying such a simple phrase which meant everything for me.
With half-choked voice from tears of happiness I asked her: "Could I get a hug?". She nodded and settled herself forward on my laps and hugged me tightly. I didn't count how long this hug was, I didn't care my leg "fell asleep" from sitting in the same posture for half an hour, I didn't care how much bullshit I have in my life, I didn't care what others could think of me. I only thought of her and I hugged her as tight as I could to express my deep love and appreciation. It felt so comfortable. It felt so releasing. It felt so relaxing. It felt so amazing.
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