Conflict Rant

"What do you want me to do in order to make you believe in me?", I asked with my hands tucked my pockets, eager to hear a response, yet attempting to embrace the worst response I'd might ever hear. 

She eyed me with her heart-melting eyes and said, "I want you to do what you want". 

At this moment I wanted to shout that I want to do anything to get her to love me, anything SHE would want. But I was obviously scared of her response.

We've been talking for exactly a month and a day, uh, September 9th if I remember correctly. I admire her than anything else and I think it'll be very hard for me to get rid of this feeling towards her. I believe her when she claims she cares for me back. If you've read Viva La Romantica post, you understand how much I enjoy her presence, both whenever it's for a friend-only activities where we laugh and talk to each other casually, as well as when we just cuddle together and sit silently, letting the wind and our relaxed breath be the only thing we hear.

I feel like I've met someone I've been looking for a long time. Ever since I got that interest in relationships and friendships since I was 14, I suddenly met her. The one and only. People will say "there's other fish in the sea" but by the people I've looked for, both in real life and on the internet, I've realized that finding someone like her is rare. I need her to understand that she is something really special, something that someone like me wouldn't want to date for two months and leave all the sudden because of a silly argument or something like that.

I need her to understand that I'm willing to do everything to preserve this relationship. I'll have the out most respect and care for her, just like I do now. I will give her as much as personal space as she'll need and not be clingy. I don't know, anything that would make her believe that I'm worth it.

I did a mistake by telling her that I have feelings for her a week and a half ago. My timing is horrifying, yes, but I just couldn't keep it. Now that I notice it was a mistake I decided to write back to my blog instead of sharing ALL of what I have in my mind because I'm afraid of losing her more than anything. Like, this is truly my biggest fear.

In the best case scenario, if she decides to accept me - I'll continue to love her and I'll do my best to pursue after her wishes and dreams. I'll do whatever I can to be there for her, just like I am now.

In the medium case scenario, if she decides to reject me - I'll be heart broken. It's no lie, yes, I'll be heart broken but I wouldn't hate her for it, unlike what she believes. But it's her life, and I will have to deal accepting what she wants.

In the worst case scenario, if she does decide to end it all completely - the same with the medium case will happen, probably even worse.

I'm going to remain with a major jealous thought of how lucky another guy that she'll actually fall in-love with will be. It makes my heart hurt just of typing and thinking about it, because I really don't want this scenario to happen.

As much as she'd hate to hear me say it (therefore I'll never say it) - it's her decision after all.

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It was a confusing yet an enjoy full night when we cuddled together. I really want to do it more, I hope she does too.