Fear Of Society

"When the hell did this start?" He asked me while examining my body expression. I was curved up like a ball, sitting on the half-wall, sobbing. I thought of nothing but how much I wanted someone to express love towards me.

"I.. I don't know." I mumbled a lie. I faced the ground and closed my eyes. Tears were rolling down my cheeks again.

I never figured out talking about it would be so easy and I thought that it's a bad thing, back when it all started.

So to let you, precious reader, know I am a very shy person and I have social anxity. The type of anxiety that you'll get confused for every single social encounter (even when it's saying "hi" to a person) and especially if it's a stranger. I am a seventeen year old teen who really likes socializing, but really fears from it too. I'm quite fucked up, I guess.

I've had this ''thing'' since I was around fifteen, if I'm not mistaken. I began to over think about what everyone thinks about my actions or my behavior or how I could fit in the people that surrounds me. I had it going in me for a long time and I ended up thinking that talking about it would solve anything. So I approached a kid, I'll call him Ronald. Ronald always seemed to be a very interested person in others. When you look at him from the side, you see a teen with a small group of friends almost at all times. Well, that's what he used to be. He approaches you with rather confident look and tries to make people laugh. He's forcing himself into being a clown in that certain way of showing he's silly and he's not afraid of others' thoughts about him. I'm not going to elaborate a lot on him at this post, but I'll say I gave Ronald some certain trust.

That certain trust was given in breaking out my emotional feelings to him at a certain place. I was very upset that dear night and I can't remember much than myself sobbing a lot and talking about it. My other friends found it quite weird, I believe, since they never seen the happy me this way. Long story short, the trust I've given that person has came to an end. I was more frustrated than ever. I thought about ending it a few times, but I obviously never meant it. All I want is someone to like me and I know it sounds bad considering I have loving family, but I want someone outside of my regular family to like me. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but I just want it. I know sometimes things cannot be achieved in life, but this just really bummed me.

I didn't know if anyone had any interest in me at this time, but I'm always thinking about that interest-need. I think it evolved from my regular computer business and eventually finding out I don't do much for my social life other than just talk to some one or two guys about gaming and nothing else. I didn't know back at the time it's okay and I thought that people are talking and having fun. I always had the feeling that I'm missing out on social activities and I was too shy to ask or figure out.

I've gone through some treatment which supposedly took me out of my depression by medical treatment (aka chill pills). I studied body language and started from zero on 'How to socialize with people'. I was more relaxed and I actually managed to communicate with people more easily. I loved it, talking to people, having a good laugh and getting to know them more. Sooner then I figured out that, the people I thought I'm missing out on weren't really the people for me, especially for their awful personal traits and lack of common interest. And lack of common interest is only a small key of comparing other people to me.

That guy Ronald? Once I got to know him, I figured out what's behind him. One day, after I lost all trust in him, he came to me talking about how he lost trust in someone he liked a lot. Which, in a very evil way, made me smile. A lot. That's when I started to believe in karma, actually.

Now back to present. For the whole month before summer vacation, I didn't communicate with people because I didn't find any interest in any of them. I was looking for someone new to meet, other people. Go out and socialize with the damn world. Well, that didn't really work well for going out since I'm just not this kind of person, but something else came up, which I'll elaborate in the next post.

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Man, I should have started this blog a long time ago.