I adjusted myself in front of her again as she sat at the half-wall and reached my height. We talked about the possibility of a relationship. In the end, she doesn't want a commitment. In all honesty? I can understand her fears. Her fears of committing your attention to someone at all times. What I was thinking is that it doesn't have to be this way, the way of always talking to each other and must be communicating with each other on an hourly basis. I can be a different experience and a good one for her.
I really wanted to explain and elaborate on how I'd be a good caring yet not "demanding" boyfriend. I really wanted to say something about how I'd understand people need their distance sometimes and I'd respect it everyday any day. I wanted to convince her that she's going to miss out, that she should at-least give it a try, but I was afraid it'll make her just step away from the idea in belief that I'm over my head in it. I decided to take a seat on the half wall to her left.
"Because," she paused for a moment as she eyed forward at the landscape which was fairly lit by the almost-full moon "if I'm going to commit for something, I really need to want it".
I nodded and said that I understand. My chest began to hurt, it felt like the emotion of losing and missing her out became a physical pain and not only emotional one. For some reason I didn't cry, despite the fact I've never felt so confused with sadness in my entire life. She rested her head on me and I rested mine on hers.
I decided to go for it, ask it one more time: "Could I get a hug?", I always wanted her confirmation to make sure she doesn't feel forced upon if I'd reach her physically without asking. She said yes and looked at me at how possible it'll be since we're both sitting on an edge of a half wall. I didn't hesitate and gripped her by her legs and back, set her onto my laps and hugged her.
I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. I was wondering how she feels at this situation when she stated she just wants to be friends. I didn't think it disturbed her because she didn't resist or said anything against it. For a long time we maintained the hug, and I was shaking. I was shaking because of the fear of what she'll manage to figure out of this situation.
"You're really shaking" she said. I was embarrassed because I didn't want to shake. It really brought out my fear. I moved my body once every five minutes to try and get it to stop shaking. After a long hug, she leaned a little bit away but maintained a grip onto me around my upper back. I maintained a grip around her back and adjusted myself once again on the half wall.
"Have you ever sat like this?", I asked in deep interest.
"No.", she said with a faint voice.
"Me neither", I replied.
We looked at the view. A moon-bright lit field with sounds of a rural road in the far distance. I began to stroke her back gently. She began to stroke my hair. I personally really enjoy when people mess and stroke my hair. I closed my eyes and leaned towards her. I swear if I could I'd have just purr really loud in that moment like a happy cat. After she stopped stroking my hair, I opened my eyes and pecked her left cheek. My heart was racing as I thought I did a mistake, but it felt so right. [1]
After a while that we just stared together at the view, she stepped off and leaned at the half wall. I did the same shortly after. I was leaning next to her. I scratched her right arm in a playful way. I really enjoy her presence. She seemed to wonder in thoughts for about ten minutes. At this moment I began signing 'BROODS - Bridges' in my head.
She said that she needed to go, and she really did. It was hella late. We walked up to the sidewalk and I saw her watery eyes. I stopped her and asked if she's sad, what's wrong.
"Fifty fifty", she replied with her gorgeous eyes looking at me.
"Why?", I asked, thinking only of what I could have possibly done wrong.
She said she enjoyed it, yet that what we've talked about made her sad.
I hugged her again.
We're trying to figure out what's the best for us. I'm trying to be as honest as I can for her. My
I believe we enjoy each other's presence and especially in an emotional state of hugging each other.
I guess this is the biggest struggle when it comes to relationships; deciding things together.
__________
[1] "My mind's telling me no, but my body, my body is telling me yes!"
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